Trauma. To me it’s a word that cannot be defined. I believe everyone has trauma and it all looks very different. In my work and in my life, I watch people take part in comparative suffering. This is a term I learned a great deal about when listening and reading work by Brené Brown. It’s statements like “It sucked but I know other people have it way worse.” While this statement might be true, it does not invalidate your trauma or how it affects you.
My trauma comes from multiple experiences when I really sit down to think about and work through it all. The experience of growing up with a father who didn’t know how to be a father even though I believe he wanted to be. The experience of a physically abusive relationship as a young teenager that most people in my life still don’t know about (added trauma of keeping such big parts of life a secret). The experience of sexual assault in college, that again most in my life still don’t know about. The experience of choosing unhealthy relationships with narcissists, cheaters and misogynists for most of my life. The experience of being a woman in a culture that constantly tells us we are not, and never will be, good enough. The experience of having depression and anxiety that at times is completely out of control. I am sure I could continue, but you get the point.
Each of these experiences has changed me, some for the better and some for the worse. I can do trauma work and I can understand trauma and I still have to ask myself daily is this a real thing or are you experiencing this from a space of trauma? The most difficult thing for me is explaining this to someone else. I think because we all experience different traumas, it is nearly impossible for someone else to understand the reactions that we have or the ways in which it manifests.
I am one of the most mistrusting people I know. This comes from years of being lied to, cheated on, and taken advantage of by multiple people in my life. This comes from watching others around me be dishonest and deceitful to those they claim to love. And the go-to therapy answer is “realize the person or persons you are now mistrusting are not the ones who let you down in the past.” Well guess what? That really does not change how I feel or magically make me believe I can trust someone.
I have done plenty of trauma work in my own therapy and help others as a therapist, and yet, I still believe that trauma will never fully escape our lives. It leaves us with scars, characteristics and habits that will stay with us forever because it is the only way we know to protect ourselves.
So with this thought, I offer no advice or therapeutic cure. I simply say, let’s work on forgiving ourselves for the parts of us that we know are based in trauma. Let’s work on being authentic and open with those we love about where these things come from and let’s work to hear and listen when others share trauma, while doing our best to understand. Let’s find balance in managing our trauma and living the lives we deserve. All we can do is get honest and try.
Let’s Get Honest 