Today is my first Mother’s Day as a mom! As happy and grateful as I am, I also find this day filled with an immense amount of pressure. My thoughts spin… Am I good enough? Is my baby happy? How will I be as my baby gets older? Will she feel the same pressures I do in the world? Will she suffer with the depression and anxiety that I do? Is it possible for me to inadvertently pass her those challenges?
If there is one thing I have already learned in my eleven weeks and three days of being a mom, it is that this world demands unrealistic expectations for mothers and then when mothers voice those unrealistic expectations, they are accused of being ungrateful and inadequate moms. We fear this judgment and so we just keep our heads down, our mouths shut and we “figure it out.” The problem with this (because we all know we can get it done) is that we martyr ourselves in the process. We lose ourselves and others around us don’t even notice. They gush over what a great mom you are if you make sacrifices but demonize you if you put yourself first.
Few of us are lucky enough to have friends that are the opposite of this and encourage you to do things for yourself too (I am lucky enough to have a few), but unfortunately the culture of our society has already infected our brains and we feel guilty as soon as we focus on ourselves. We think that getting to take a 7 minute shower instead of a 5 minute shower or getting laundry in the washer before the baby gets up is good enough “self-care” (as if this has anything to do with caring for ourselves). Insert where I tell you how many loads of laundry I have had to rewash because it makes it to the washer but not the dryer.
I don’t have the answers and I don’t know how we shift this in our lives or in the world. I do know that the pressures are different for fathers. They exist in the form of providing for their families or being the disciplinarian in some families. I acknowledge challenges on both fronts and still think women have much further to go than men in this struggle. When do we stop comparing and martyring and start supporting and encouraging? When do we stop the black and white thinking that if a mother puts herself first, that means she’s putting her children last? Or somehow being an inadequate mother? When do we stop subscribing to the way things have always been and stop putting guilt and shame on ourselves that we do not deserve?
As I said, I don’t have the answers and, since I too still subscribe to these unrealistic expectations, let me say this. Becoming a mother has been one of the greatest gifts in my life. It has brought me a joy and love I could never imagine. It has challenged me and changed me in only eleven weeks and I presume it will continue to do so. I love spending time with and caring for my daughter. I miss her every moment she is not in my sight. I love when she just looks up and me and stares into my eyes like I am the only person in her world. These moments I will cherish forever..
AND I am exhausted. I want a break sometimes, that involves more than house chores. I sometimes want someone to force me to give her up and go take a nap.
AND I want to feel okay with all of that. I want to not feel guilt, shame or inadequacy for needing a break or choosing not to martyr myself.
When someone figures out the secret, please share it with the rest of us. Until then, rage on Mamas.
Let’s Get Honest 